I QUIT!

This post is going to be difficult to write.

I am sure it will be THE MOST difficult to share, that’s for sure.  That is because it is filled with shame, embarrassment, and I will be revealing a secret that only my good friends and close family know. 

I am a smoker.

I am one of "those" smokers, who has the following phrases locked down, and can recite them anytime I am encountered with someone who is shocked to find out I smoke:

- I only smoke occasionally

- I can quit any time, but I just don't want to because I enjoy it so much

- It relaxes me

- When I am stressed or upset, nothing calms me like a cigarette

In other words, I am full of shit.

You see, I care about my health.  I eat well.  I use all natural beauty products (since so many of the conventional brands have “cancer-causing” ingredients).  I make my husband feel guilty for the amount he smokes, because his amount is far more dangerous than mine (hello hypocrite).

Yet I smoke.  Every evening, after a day of healthy eating and using natural products, I would go outside and voluntarily poison myself.

Well, I DID.  A few days ago I got slammed with a cold/flu that knocked me off my ass.  Sunday was my worst-feeling day, which was the day my husband was out all day at the “Easy Way to Stop Smoking” seminar that I signed him up for without his knowledge, and then sent him to like a mom sending an unwilling child to camp for the first time.  I decided I would read the book, and he would do the seminar.  I am an avid reader, Jaime is not.  I knew the seminar would be more effective for him, and we had been talking about quitting together for a long time.  Jaime actually quit the night of our wedding, and didn’t smoke for a year and a half.  Then we went on a trip to Mexico with a whole bunch of people for a friend’s wedding and it all fell apart.  Plus, I didn’t quit when he did (see my earlier comment, on my “harmless” smoking habit).  I always felt guilty about this deep down, but like all smokers, I came up with bullshit justification that allowed me to push all rational thought from my mind in order to excuse my nasty habit.

Getting the cold, I now realize, was angelic timing.  It gave me the time to read the book, and of course I didn’t feel like smoking when I felt like crap.  And it allowed me the time to really let the book’s philosophy sink in; the most poignant point of all for me was to replace every craving for a cigarette with a celebration that you actually aren’t going to have it.  Because it’s gross, or ugly, or whatever it is to you that makes you feel ashamed to do it.

For me, it’s Sloan.  100 percent Sloan. 

Of course, the moment I found out I was pregnant, I did not dream of having a cigarette (OK, I dreamed about it, and fantasized about it, and really, REALLY wanted to do it - but I did NOT ever do it).  It was tough.  I was a pretty energetic preggo, and my social life didn’t change much while I was pregnant, except I wasn’t smoking or drinking.  I was constantly surrounded by it (sadly, almost all of our friends are smokers), but since no one we know smokes indoors (thank goodness), I was constantly alone many times throughout the evenings, while my friends “enjoyed” themselves outdoors. I’ve always smoked socially.  It’s part of my social life (as of course it is for most smokers).  So being forced to “quit” didn’t have the same effect as quitting for real.  People often asked me if I planned to quit forever, since I had gone so long without smoking, and my response was always a VERY weak “ummm…maybe”.  The truth was I was dying for the moment I could have another cigarette. 

Of course, when Sloan was born, the last thing on my mind was smoking.  I was so exhausted, and there was no aspect of my life that was truly social.  When she was sleeping, I let my head fall on the softest spot near me. 

But then I started to settle in to this baby thing.  I’ll never forget the moment I realized I could potentially smoke.  I was at a friend’s place, and they were outside smoking.  I had just breastfed Sloan and she was sleeping and I knew she’d be asleep for 3-4 hours.  And it hit me.  I NEED A CIGARETTE RIGHT NOW.  AND I CAN HAVE ONE!  I marched outside, grabbed the closest pack, and lit one up.  And it was so good.  SO GOOD.   There was a nagging guilt inside me, which I pushed away with force.  This was ok.  It was just one.  I had done research on smoking and breastfeeding, and one little cigarette would be fine.

EW.  Typing this is sickitating me.  But I will continue.

That one cigarette led to another…to another.  Before I knew it, my daily routine began to include a cigarette (or two, or three, or sometimes even four), after I had put Sloan down for the night and I knew she’d be down for hours.  After each cigarette, I would scrub my hands, brush my teeth and hang up my “smoking sweater” which I would wrap around myself in hopes of it catching the second-hand smoke, rather than my skin or hair (dumbass). 

But with EACH and EVERY cigarette, I felt GUILT.  I felt SHAME.  Sure, I had felt those things before (especially when non-smokers would see me smoke, and I could see the judgement in their eyes), but nothing like this.  My own mother, who doesn’t pull out the judgemental card very often, saw me smoking one evening after Sloan was in bed.  She was completely shocked, flabbergasted and clearly disgusted with me (she smokes “socially” too).  “HOLLY!!  You are BREASTFEEDING!!  What are you DOING?  You’re so into your natural stuff, yet you are SMOKING???  I can’t believe I am seeing this!!”  Talk about wanting to be swallowed by a sink hole and die.  I rambled off a bunch of bullshit (one cigarette a day won’t hurt, Sloan is sleeping, BLAH BLAH BLAH), but I knew she was right.  And I was SO wrong.  But away those thoughts went with each cloud of smoke I exhaled. 

EW.  I am so disgusted with myself right now I need to take a break. 

Continue…

But the guilt got worse.  Every time Sloan would stir in the night, and I had to go soothe her, I knew that no matter how hard I tried to wash the smoke away, the smell (and the chemicals) still lingered on me.  Every morning when I brought her into bed with me, she was cuddling up to our pillows and blankets that were against our smoky bodies and hair all night long while we slept (Jaime and I went so far as to have “Sloan Friendly Pillows” that would replace our sleeping pillows before bringing her in with me in the morning, but it’s not like I changed the sheets or duvet cover).  Does all of this sound like a silly pain in the ass?  It was!  

And we did all this so we could poison ourselves!

The thought of Sloan ever seeing me smoke filled me with dread.

And then it hit me (while reading the book).  As Oprah would say, I had an “aha” moment.  The only way to guarantee Sloan never saw me smoke was to never smoke again.  Obvious, right?  Well, until I looked at it that exact way, quitting seemed impossible.  That’s why the “Easy Way” book really helped me.  I won’t go into the details of the book.  All I can say is if you want to quit smoking (and let’s be honest, EVERY smoker wants to quit smoking), read it.  Open your mind to it.  I will share with you the one thing I took away from the book that I find the most helpful.  Every time you think about having a cigarette, and that sense of dread comes over you when you remember that you’ve quit, rejoice in the fact that you will NOT have that cigarette.  That you are now free of them.  FREE of them!  It sounds quite simple, and that’s because it is.  I am done.  I am a non-smoker.  And saying that feels better than that poison ever did.

Tonight will be my third night smoke-free.  The past two nights, when I’ve gone in to soothe Sloan or cuddle her (she got my cold L), I’ve smiled to myself knowing I am clean.  There is no smoke on my clothes, or in my hair or on my breath.  She is smelling mommy, pure and simple.  This morning, when I brought her into my bed, with our nice clean sheets, I let her wrap herself up in my blankets, and rest her head on my pillow (same one I used last night) and smiled to myself knowing it was all clean.  And it felt glorious.