I guess we're having a baby?

“Babe, my boobs are KILLING me…Maybe I’m pregnant…”

“You’re not pregnant, you said yourself you feel like your period will come any second”.

“You’re right….but I’ve been saying that since yesterday.  That’s not normal.  Something is different”

“Let’s just wait and see if your period comes”.

“OK….”

Two days later, I’m peeing on a stick.

My husband, Jaime, is downstairs watching World Cup Soccer with our friend John.  I told him I’d wait until John left to pee on the stick, but I've never been the best at resisting temptation so there I was.

I don’t think my heart has ever raced quite as fast and quite as hard as it was in the moments where I was waiting for the tiny digital screen to register “PREGNANT” or “NOT PREGNANT” (yes, gone are the days of the faint blue line.  Pregnancy tests have become completely idiot-proof, assuming you can read).  This wasn't the first time I’d ever done a pregnancy test, but it was the first time I just knew it was going to be positive.  My conveniently reliable cycle was suddenly throwing me for a loop.  I was only four days late, but I had never been this late before.  Plus, all I had to do was THINK about my boobs and they exerted sharp, aching pains.  Definitely not normal.

Sure enough, there it was.  “PREGNANT” in big bold letters, with “3+” beside it, meaning it estimated based on my pee alone (which is pretty darn amazing if you ask me) that I was at least 3 weeks pregnant. 

“Oh my god. Oh my god oh my god oh my god.  Holy shit.  Oh my god”.

This little monologue was followed by a completely neurotic jumbled loop of giggles, short panicked breaths and tiny moans of fear.  All the while, my husband and best friend, and the only one I wanted in the room with me at that moment was downstairs drinking a beer and watching World Cup Soccer with John.  Silly me, why couldn't I have just waited?  And did they just say the game was going into extra time??? Nooooo!!!!

I retreated to my bedroom, where the neurotic behaviour continued, all the while clutching the pee stick. Jaime later told me he could hear me pacing around and knew I had caved – and that the result was a resounding positive.  So while I was upstairs pacing like a tiger in a cage, he was downstairs trying to act normal all the while knowing he was likely about to become a dad.  I admit – I called my sister.  I felt slightly guilty telling anyone before Jaime, but this game wasn't wrapping up anytime soon and I needed to TALK!  Of course my sister was thrilled (about 10 years ago or more I bought a shirt, and she made me promise to keep it for when I was pregnant, because she was convinced it would be the cutest preggo top ever.  I kept my word, and gave it to Goodwill immediately after trying it on over my bump – moral of that little story, a top that may LOOK like a maternity top, does not a maternity top make).

Jaime and I had been “not trying, but not trying not to” get pregnant for about 6 or 8 months.  Which in my opinion is friggin’ trying.  We all know how babies are made.  To suddenly throw caution to the wind was a pretty huge step in the “trying” department if you ask me.  But it was a perfect way to segue from “HELL NO!” to “I think we can do this parenting thing”.  It felt less committal, kinda fun, and most importantly relatively stress-free.  The problem with doing it this way (at least for us) was the shock in the realization that this “non-trying-trying” actually produced a fetus.  DUH.  Because we weren't paying attention to the calendar, and because it didn't happen right away, it never really felt real.  I know that sounds naive  but it’s the truth.  Which I think can be proven by my crazy reaction to the test.  And Jaime’s...

I think every girl who wants kids dreams about the moment when her and her partner discovers they’re pregnant.  They’re both gleefully happy, he jumps up and down, she cries out of sheer joy, he embraces her and the excitement begins.  Well, in real life (well, in my real life), it didn't exactly go that way.  Firstly there was my freakish reaction.  When Jaime finally came upstairs after John had left, and I showed him the test, a look came over his face that I can only describe as bewildered.  He truly looked confused and puzzled at the concept, to which I remarked, “well how did you THINK babies were made?!”.  We did embrace, he did say he was happy, but all the while he had a clouded-over look that frankly slightly concerned me.  Then it was his turn to pace.  He went up and down the stairs, all around the house, in and out of every single room, all for at least two hours.  I finally gave up on asking him to relax and sat down to read “What to Expect When You’re Expecting” (which I ran out to buy while he was pacing), and patiently waited for my attentive husband to come back from his other worldly state. 

Flash forward to now, months later, incredibly close to our due date.  The bewildered look has mostly disappeared, although I think we both still get it every now and then.  Jaime has been absolutely amazing and I can honestly say I fall more and more in love with him every day.  He takes care of me in a way that I know many women would be jealous of.  It took me a long time to accept this part of him.  I always felt I didn't need to be taken care of, that I was a strong woman who could take care of herself.  Now I realize it's OK to have both, and it's brought a peace to my life that I've always dreamed of but never knew how to get.  I can't wait until we meet this little creature that's been shuffling around in my tummy, and we can take care of our baby together.  I know it will be trying, I know we will be exhausted, but we have eachother, and we will do everything we can to never forget that. 

We are about to embark on something that billions of people around the world have done, yet it feels like the wildest thing in the world to us.  

Here goes nothin…

Just jump!

I’ve wanted to start a blog for a long time now.  Probably ever since blogging became a word.  I have been writing for as long as I can remember.  I’ve kept a journal since I was a kid (and shudder at the thought that I have no idea where most of them are – I can’t help but think my mother will find them someday – and now that I am pregnant have lately been fearing that my children will).

Whenever I’ve needed to blow off steam I write.  When I need to really think something through I write.  When I seem to be questioning life in general, I write. 

I once took a creative writing course but dropped it when the professor announced to the class, “Now, this isn’t your therapy – this isn’t all about spilling your guts”.  I became terrified at the prospect of writing anything else, and actually being judged (well, in this case marked) on it.  So I never went back.  That is actually one of my greatest regrets now.  

Fear made me drop that class.  And fear has been what’s held me back from starting a blog.  Since my writing is so personal, sharing it has always been pretty much off-limits for me.  Even when I am tapping away at my laptop keys on my couch, and my husband peers his head over my shoulder to see what I am up to, I quickly minimize the screen.  I’ve shown exactly one friend (Vanessa) and exactly one family member (my beloved sister) any of my writing, and that was years ago.  The feedback was lovely, but hey – what are they going to say?  You suck at this, give it up girlfriend?  Don’t think so. 

The fear then gave way to the question, “who would want to read what I write anyway?  Isn’t it a little narcissistic to believe that anyone would actually care what I have to say?”  But again, I suppose I can tie that into fear.  Really, who cares what people think about it?  I am doing this for me, that I know for sure.

Alas, here I am.  Finally ready to share with the world.  Or with whoever cares to read this thing.  I don’t know the “rules” about blogging.  I think I will just write what I feel like writing, share what I feel like sharing.  I am expecting my first child, so the initial posts are going to be very much centered around that.  But perhaps I’ll share some of my old writing too, and who knows what the future holds.  So here goes…