Right Now

I have not taken the time to write this blog as I had planned or expected.  I honestly thought that having a baby provided more free time, not less.  I thought I would spend my year off enjoying each moment with my child, and also taking the time to consider what it is I really want to do in this life.  Where I want my career to go, where my unexplored interests will take me.  I thought I would write more, maybe even start a book (ha!).  But the truth is, I haven’t done much of that at all.

I read an interesting article online that someone had posted, written by a mom who rushes through life, and was blessed with a child who takes the time to smell the roses (read it here: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/rachel-macy-stafford/the-day-i-stopped-saying-hurry-up_b_3624798.html).  She realized she was repeating a constant loop of some form of “hurry up” to her little girl, who really did not get what the rush was all about.  It really made me think.  I already am doing the same.  I am constantly looking to the next chunk of time, to my next chore, to my next errand, and all the while skimming through the moments as they happen. 

My job, as manager of my mom’s small business, had me running off my feet for almost 8 years.  Everything had to be done right now, the next thing had to be done right now, the thing after that, and after that…it all had to be done right now.  It ingrained into my psyche (and quite honestly was a great fit for my controlling personality).  There was no time to ponder, every decision had to be quick.  Questions had to be answered, people needed direction…all right now.  It’s the “nature of the business” and it really is.  We produce products.  We have deadlines.  We love our customers and they love us, because we value right now.  So when I stopped working, and Sloan came along, the gears didn't suddenly just change.  I still find myself, as I am settling her down for a nap, thinking in my head “hurry up and go to sleep!  I need a shower, I need to pay a bill, I need to fold the laundry, I need to fill out paperwork, I need to send an email, a text…I need to do something right now!” 

How unfair is that?

How ultimately sad is that?

I already know that before I know it she will be big.  She won’t fit in my arms, she won’t stay there contentedly as I rock her to sleep.  Moments pass, and moments become days, become months, become years.  Here I go with the clichés again, but now that I have a child I truly understand that time really does fly...and time needs to be cherished.   Rushing my mind through each moment doesn’t change the fact that that moment still takes the same amount of time to happen.  It does not speed it up, allowing me to move on to the next (and would I really want it to? Of course not!)  All it does is take my mind away from the present.  I miss things.  For nothing.

Interestingly though, the other night I was lying in bed with Jaime, and we were talking (as usual) about how incredible Sloan is.  I suddenly felt a rush of realization – I am happy.  And I said so.  “I am so happy.  So happy.”  I have never in my life said those words in that way.   They never came to me the way they did that night.  And I will always look back on that moment and remember the magnitude and significance of that feeling.  Once Sloan is asleep I always run through the day, finding myself missing her while she is sleeping.  I find myself thinking back to moments when I suddenly snapped out of my iPhone trance, or laundry folding zone, or any other mundane task and there she was, looking at me, waiting patiently for me to focus on her again.  I know it’s time to slow down.  I know it’s time to lose the distractions and relish the moments.  Because before I know it, they will be gone.

(FYI – this blog post was written over two of Sloan’s naptimes.  No babies were ignored in the writing of this post J)