The Vicious Cycle

Every day, I look around my home and think, “Surely I should be doing better than this.  Do I suck at this?  I am a stay-at-home Mom most days…shouldn’t my house look spotless almost all of the time?”

I hate that feeling.  I really, really hate it.  Because the answer to those questions is always lurking around my head: “Yes, you should be doing better than this.  Yes, you suck at this.  Yes, your house should be spotless almost all the time”.  Yet, as I am typing this, I am seeing how ridiculous that is.  But is it really? 

Being a stay-at-home mom is supposed to be a “job”.  And when you think of the cost of daycare, it’s a job that actually pays.  A job, with a description that includes (but is not limited to!): 

General Summary:

Clothe, feed, teach, play with and love children, all while maintaining a safe and comfortable home environment.

Essential Functions and Duties:

-          waking up before the sun

-          cooking (many, many meals.  Kids have to eat a lot)

-          cleaning (and MAINTAINING a clean house)

-          dishes (that never ever ever ever stop)

-          clearing the damn kitchen counter 500 times a day

-          picking up toys (also tripping over them, stepping on them and accidentally hoofing them across the room constantly)

-          picking up child as they tug on your pants saying “up up up up up” (leaving you with one hand to do all of the above, and all of the below)

-          read stories, read more stories, read them all again numerous times a day

-          laundry (which includes sorting, folding and PUTTING AWAY – all preferably during “off hours” so the hydro bill doesn’t sky rocket – leaving most evenings and weekends free to do…LAUNDRY!)

-          take kids to the park

-          play outside and make sure they don’t hurt themselves

-          go for walks

-          sing songs, preferably with dramatic actions

-          change lots of diapers (the ability to hold your breath for long periods is an asset in this category)

-          lots of handwashing (yours, and a those of a wriggling toddler not big enough to reach the tap even on a stool)

-          cleaning up a mess of some sort every 10 minutes or so

-          crafts, and the endless clean up that comes after

-          endless kisses, hugs, cuddles and giggles (my personal favourite responsibility of the “job”)

I have always prided myself on my work ethic.  I am a hard worker, I know I am an asset to my employer, I know I do a good job.  So when I am constantly asking myself why I am not doing better at home, it really, really nags me.   It makes me feel inadequate.  This feeling is compounded when my husband comes home to a house that is upside down.  While he is great, and hardly ever mentions it, I can’t help but feel he often wonders: “Hmmmm…wonder what she does all day”.  I know I would wonder that if I wasn’t me.  In theory, it really doesn’t sound too hard.  Keep the house clean.  Especially if you’re in it most days.  You have the time!  What about naps?  Totally doable.  Yet somehow, it’s not.  Not for me. 

I am not a particular tidy person.  I definitely like to be surrounded by a clean house, but I just don’t have the chops to maintain it.  I try.  I really, really try some days.  Some mornings I wake up and make a vow to myself that I am going to pick up after myself (and my daughter) all day long.  I will not let the house get upside down.  Then, the day wears on, and every evening I look around in bewilderment to see that it’s happened again.  So I tidy it all over again.  It’s a vicious cycle that makes me feel like some days all I do is try to keep the house clean.  All the while my sweet little babe is tugging at my pant leg, saying “up up up up”.  So I repeat a constant loop of “OK honey, almost done honey, OK baby, Mommy’s almost done sweetie”, until I am somewhat satisfied with my task and I pick her up up up.  There are a couple of problems with this:

1.       Each time she is asking for me to pick her up up up, is an opportunity for me to connect with her.  Really connect on her terms.  I can teach her things, read to her, sing with her.  In other words, really have that quality time with her that made me want to stay home with her in the first place. 

2.       My “cleaning” is so half-assed.  My little piles get bigger, the dishes only get half done (which is likely why it feels they never end), and only 2 laundry items get folded (which are then promptly unfolded by Sloan).

Therefore, nothing ever really feels complete.  I never feel all-in.   And I am an “all-in” kinda girl. 

Feeling inadequate doesn’t sit well with me.  It seeps into everything.  It haunts me with a cloud of anxiety that most days I can ignore and reason with, but some days it just sucks.

There are so many great blog posts and columns on the internet that address this very topic.  Most of them have such a positive “ah, fuck it” tone that I feel so great having read them.  I am not alone!  I am normal!  Yet, I think about it a little more and I think, “Really?  How hard is it to just maintain your own home?  Where is your pride in this?” 

It’s such a toxic thing, really…The Mind.   A friend recently said it best:  “Every day when he gets home I find myself apologizing for the state of the house, and he doesn't even care about the mess, why do we put this pressure on ourselves?”

And that’s just it.  I am putting the pressure on myself.  Why are so many women such masochists?  It’s the constant struggle between the not-so-distant-past of June Cleaver and the “leaning-in” Sheryl Sandberg.  Where does that leave the in-betweeners like me?  I don’t want to be June Cleaver!  And I sure as hell don’t want to be Sheryl Sandberg.  There is so much pressure to fit into a particular mould, to “have it all”.  But where is that pressure coming from?  My own head?  Because when you think about it, you can only be affected by what you allow to affect you.  So why do I care?

Once again I am reminded that I am my own worst enemy.  Shouldn’t I be my own best friend?